I had the privilege of spending the weekend with someone who had lost- and kept off- 100 lbs. She spoke a lot about the compulsion to eat and how it's similar to all of the other compulsive, destructive behaviors that she sees in her family. She referenced substance abuse, band fanaticism, and workaholic behaviors. She was so inspiring and specifically mentioned how important it is to dig deep and discover WHY we eat.
I spent the weekend doing a lot of soul exploration when it comes to my relationship with food. I knew some things already, that I eat when I'm bored, or to celebrate, or when I'm feel defeated or guilty. The thing that surprised me most is that I eat to procrastinate. In my family, eating has been considered sacred time. After extremely long hours, my mom would decompress over a late dinner. It was always important in our family culture that you not upset or stress someone while they were eating. We regularly heard 'Let them eat in peace'. I realized when there are things I don't want to do I procrastinate by preparing, eating and digesting food. I use this tactic for everything from dishes, to the gym. I even had to fight the urge to go prepare myself a hot dog so that I didn't have to get right to blogging!
Seriously?
So now that I know this about myself, what am I going to do about it? My initial plan of attack is to do things the second I think about them. When the dryer buzzes, I will immediately fold the clean laundry. When the thought of going to the gym first occurs to me, I will get dressed and go rather than eating something and then rationalizing that it's dangerous to work out on a full stomach and that's why I 'should' wait. Just do it. A little dated, but appropriate. Wish me luck, I'll let you know how it goes.
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First of all, I love reading your blog, CB. I plan to read ALL of it. I have to stop here and make a comment, though.
ReplyDeleteI think you missed something in your analysis here. I don't believe that you eat to procrastinate. Procrastination is an inherently guilty, "wrong" thing to do. But in your family, it doesen't sound like people ate to avoid doing something they should. No. They ate to REST. They ate to find peace. Maybe you don't need to do more. Maybe you need to do less. Maybe you need some other way to get permission to do nothing.
It's ok. You don't have to do it all right away. You are already enough. You deserve a break. You deserve to relax. You even deserve to eat food, but it sounds like making food the only legitimate way to sit down has caused you some heartache.
Much love to you,
Calvin's dogwalker