Decisions, Decisions

Yesterday was okay, and today wasn’t bad. It’s constant decision making. I have to decide not to get that iced soy chai latte from Starbucks in order to stick with this week’s goal of no liquid calories. However, on the level beyond that, I have to constantly decide that I’m not going to binge. When I was alone in my room last night I thought I would be okay simply resolving to not do it for the rest of the day. But then I realized even that was a bit much for me. I had to decide not to do it by the hour, by the half hour, then by the minute. I would set goals like ‘I’m not going to go get a snack until commercial break’. Then, when commercials came ‘I’m not going to go get a snack until the end of the show’. And once the show ended ‘I’m not going to go eat something until I win a game of solitaire on my phone’.

Why is it so hard?

Why isn’t it enough to resolve to not going to get something to eat simply because I’m not hungry?

I did fairly well, after having a balanced, tasty and satisfying dinner, I only snacked on a tortilla and then a granola bar. But even then I wondered to myself why that was? Even though it's a small amount compared to what I've been know to inhale during a binge, there was no need for it. I wasn’t bored, I wasn’t emotional, and most importantly I wasn’t hungry.

I once heard a recovering alcoholic speak on the day he received his 12 year chip. He was saying that even after 12 years he has to resist the urge to pick up the Jack Daniels. I understand the difference between addiction and compulsions. I am not going to downplay the seriousness of addictions such as alcoholism and other substance abuses. I’ve seen the effects of that ravage families and do irreparable damage to relationships. But I also think compulsive disorders should not be dismissed. In some unique ways there are challenges to compulsive disorders specifically because they are things we cannot live without. I often think that if it weren't necessary to eat I would be able to get in the habit of not eating at all. Of course I wouldn’t do that because it is unhealthy to exchange one disorder for another that is equally deteriorating to your health. But at the same time I think I have an innate ‘all or nothing’ mentality that leads to binging. I refuse to blame my mother for teaching me to clean my plate. But surely, there has to be something out there that can recondition my brain to feeling like I accomplished the task of eating when I’m simply satisfied. The search continues.