Can’t Talk, My Mouth Is Full

Networking… It’s one of those things you either don’t mind, or something that can induce a panic attack. I was dragged into a company party last week that was held in our office. Steadily I saw guests arriving one after another. I dutifully placed my name tag on my sweater, resolving to strike up some delightful conversation with the guests.

Let me stop here for a moment. I think it’s important to clarify that after working at my company for two years, I still don’t know how to answer a basic question such as ‘What do you do?’ It’s not that I haven’t been paying attention. In fact, I really don’t know why it is, but you’ll have to trust me when I say I’m not alone. I’ve seen many a colleague use a delay tactic- either coughing, laughing or repeating the question a la… ‘Oh, you want to know what it is that WE do…’ Each of these maneuvers is followed by a mumbling where ‘innovation’ is the only discernible word in a jumbled nest of mutterings. That might begin to explain why I dread these events.

That being said, I also don’t like waxing on about myself to complete strangers. That’s probably shocking, that I, the author of a public blog in which I spill my guts about a deeply personal issue, would have troubles gushing about herself. But it is true- and hey, my blog is anonymous for a reason. Still I’m capable of making an effort to stretch outside my comfort zone. So what do you think I did after I carefully placed my name tag on my chest, and the next guest slowly opened the door to our office? I instantly ducked into the room where the drinks were being chilled, of course! *Whew* That was a close one. I narrowly escaped chatting business with a stranger.

I knew I couldn’t keep that up all night and I was starting to panic. I tried everything in the book. I pushed a button to make my phone vibrate so that I could leave the room to take my ‘call’. I went to the bathroom with embarrassing frequency to have moments away from the high pressure situation. When people were approaching me I would turn my back to them and start gesturing emphatically to a coworker of mine that I was really comfortable with. I was moving around so much that I’m sure I looked like the most interesting person in the room, and that’s why these visitors seemed attracted to me like a moth to a flame.

Inevitably, I was cornered. I found myself up against a literal wall, with nowhere to turn, and smiling strangers approaching. Alarms were going off in my head, sweat beads were forming at the nape of my neck. Almost as if I heard a choir of sweet angels singing from above, I found my getaway...

THE CHEESE PLATE!

I mean, I had a deep love for cheese to begin with. In a split second that love grew exponentially. Someone introduced themselves and said they were having a fascinating conversation about blogs and wanted to know what my favorite one was. All that came to mind, in my horror, was my own blog- and there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to out myself. Instead I said something vague like ‘There are so many to pick from, what’s yours?’ and immediately popped a lovely cube of cheddar in my mouth. It was heaven. Not only was it tasty but it gave me a legitimate excuse to not talk. Wouldn't want to be rude to our visitors, after all.

The stranger in the nice Italian suit responded and asked another question of me. Thank heavens for the cheese, I was able to shrug, point to my chewing mouth and sputter an awkward laugh through my nose. I was safe. He kept on talking, and I kept on eating. Another cheddar cube, and a Ritz. A scoop of the Humboldt Fog and a water cracker. Mmmm, the Manchego was to die for. What? Stranger? Did I bore you? Is that why you’ve moseyed on? Darn!

I think I ate my weight in cheese that night. I know it can’t be healthy, and I did feel a little iffy on the subway ride home… but what is a girl to do? They call it comfort food for a reason.